you could be
by mad not sad
Summary: Kitty imagines that she is the golden girl to his golden boy. Ryder/Kitty


_you could be_

..

The thing about Kitty is that she wants to be perfect. It's why she sets her alarm for five a.m. every morning so she can make her lips pop, her eyes dazzle, her hair coil into that fabled curlicue of lies and seduction. It's why she trained all summer so she could get the lead spot in all of the Cheerios' routines. It's why she used to shove her fingers down her throat so she could be supermodel thin forever. It's why she supplements her looks with the sharpest tongue at McKinley, grasping tightly onto the weaknesses of those around her, proving day after day that she's the strongest one of them all.

But her makeup can only do so much to cover up the jealously spiteful glare in her eyes when anyone but her succeeds, when Marley gets Sandy, when Brittany gets Captain, when Marley gets _Jake_. Her insults only make people feel badly about themselves for so long until they all start to hate her for her cruelty.

_I'm perfect, I'm perfect_, Kitty whispers to herself in the dark as she lies in bed, hands fisted around her sheets. She thinks maybe that if she says it, believes it, with enough conviction, it will come true. After all, she's always been hardworking, and she's nothing if not determined. She _will_ get what she wants, no matter what, she always has, and she doesn't really know how to deal with it if she doesn't. She's perfect – or she will be, at least.

..

The thing about Jake is that he's far from perfect. He has anger management problems and he's a womanizer and he's got daddy issues and identity issues and pretty much every kind of issue there is. He makes mistakes and messes up, and Kitty likes that about him. He's easy. She always knows what he's thinking and feeling – the boy's face is like an open book, for God's sake, and he's a terrible liar. Things are so simple with Jake.

_We're done_, he decides in the heat of the moment, and it's Jake so that's that. He says what he means, so if he said it, it must be true.

Kitty doesn't miss him, exactly, but she misses them together. Next to him, she seemed better, her hair more golden, her smile sweeter, her insults less serious. He's the epitome of a bad boy, and it makes her look good in comparison. Almost like she could play the good girl and no one would notice that it was all a ruse. Next to Jake, Kitty was a little closer to perfect.

..

The thing about Ryder is that he already is perfect. His only "flaw" is dyslexia and when you've already got everything else going for you, reading ability is hardly a definitive character trait. He can sing and he can dance and he doesn't even have to try. He's selfless and kind and good and heroic and everyone who meets him instantly loves him. On the football field, he's something like a god, his muscles rippling as he runs, his sinewy arms in constant motion. And when the Titans win yet another game and he rips his helmet off in celebration, his face upturned in rapture is the closest thing to divinity Kitty thinks she's ever seen.

_You're kind of a bitch_, he tells Kitty, and it doesn't bother her, it barely means anything to her, _honest_. Because he's Ryder Lynn and he's so good and upright that no one could possibly meet his standards. He's the poster boy for Midwestern wholesomeness, and she's probably the poster girl for religious hypocrisy or schoolgirl seductiveness or something else equally as naughty.

So she'll continue to flirt with him periodically (but only because he's attractive and male, and nothing more), but she hates him. She hates him so much she feels her blood start to boil whenever he tries something new and is, as is his way, effortlessly successful at it. She hates him so much she feels her heart start to pound whenever he enters into a room, his eyes lit up with laughter and his tousle of hair falling into his face. She hates him so much she feels her palms start to itch whenever he gets too close to her at rehearsal. She hates him, she hates him, she _hates_ him. Because he's fucking _perfection_ without even trying, and she's spent her whole life striving and still missing.

..

_Your girl's a hot mess_, Kitty tells Ryder one day when Marley's self-destructive tendencies have become apparent to everyone. _Why don't you go and save her? Be her knight in shining armor_.

She's _only_ seeking him out like this because he's a pawn in her intricate plot to get Jake back. Two by two, people always pair up just like Noah's animals, and if Ryder wins Marley's heart then Jake will be left to Kitty. It will be Jake and Kitty and Ryder and Marley, and she ignores the part of her that wants to link the two names in the middle (Kitty and Ryder, Kitty and Ryder, _Kitty and Ryder_) and let everything else go to hell. Because Ryder's just a pawn, that's all.

_You did this to her, _Ryder accuses, his brown eyes flashing.

Kitty smirks, her mouth twisting into what feels like its natural position by now, that devious smirk that she uses to make the boys fall for her like rows of tin soldiers, to intimidate lesser beings into obedience, to remind herself that she's _strong_ and untouchable. Maybe if she's mean to him she won't have to think about how much she covets even just a small part of his perfection. _Who, moi?_ Kitty widens her eyes in faux innocence and she's devious, devilish, deadly, so run away Ryder, run Ryder run, before it's too late.

He glares and he yells and he scolds her. _You don't have to be this kind of person, Kitty. Why do you do these things?_

She has to, she has to do these things because if she doesn't Marley or someone else might be better than she is, she has to be this kind of person because she doesn't know how to be anything else. _Silly boy_, she laughs at him, though, _Because I can_, and that lie might be her saving grace, because she can't let Ryder see what's inside, can't let him figure her out. He may be perfect at everything else but this is one skill she can't let him have.

_You're being very cruel, Kitty, really, you are_, he frowns, disappointed and angry. It makes her feel perversely satisfied – she's disappointed the good boy. Does this mean she's finally the villain; has she finally succumbed to the darkness?

But then Ryder tells her, _I expected more from you_, and no, no she can't possibly be in the darkness, not when he looks at her like that. He may be angry with her but his eyes are _light_, his words are _hope_, and after that day she keeps them close to her heart like a secret treasure that is hers and hers alone.

..

One afternoon, the Cheerios are practicing on the football field, and then the football team jogs out from the locker room to do their warm-up drills.

Coach Sylvester is livid about the team cutting into cheerleading practice (even though the Cheerios were supposed to be done half an hour ago), and storms over to roar at Coach Beiste, who counters that it's called the _football _field for a reason. With Sylvester distracted, the cheerleaders disperse, some of them taking a break gossiping in the bleachers, some lying down on the grass, exhausted.

Kitty doesn't do breaks, though – _I'm perfect, I'm perfect_, as she keeps doing cartwheels and handsprings and layouts in the middle of the field.

_Heads up!_ comes a cry from one of the burly athletes, and she ignores it because she has to get in at least fifty more jumping jacks before the end of the day.

Suddenly, Kitty feels herself swept up into a strong arm, her face pressed against a muscular chest, her body flush against another. She leans her head back to see who it is and her breath hitches in her throat.

It's Ryder, of course, and apparently he had seen that Kitty was about to be struck in the head by the football, so in an impressive feat of athleticism, he'd pulled her out of the way with one arm and caught the football with the other. She's still nestled between his arm and his body when she pulls her head away to look up at him, and she knows she'll never forget the picture Ryder makes right then, not for as long as she lives. His other arm is outstretched up into the air, his large hand clasped around the football. His face gazes down at her protectively, his warm brown eyes caring, his lips ever so slightly parted. The afternoon sun illuminates all of him in a shining glow, the planes of his face highlighted, his hair glinting gold.

That moment feels like eternity, and Kitty and Ryder are endless, immortal. For that moment, just for a second that could maybe be forever, Kitty imagines that she is the golden girl to his golden boy. They make a splendid image, don't they? The star football player, effortlessly plucking the ball out of the sky like he's born to win. The pretty blonde cheerleader in her red-and-white uniform, held tightly against him, looking up at him with stars in her eyes. The sun bathes both of them in an iridescent glow. Together, they're golden.

It's the closest to perfect Kitty has ever felt.

But then he lets her go and jogs away and doesn't look back. She doesn't thank him and she resumes her jumping jacks, because she's Kitty Wilde and _You're kind of a bitch_ and the two of them might have been perfect together in that one moment, but it's over now and she has to keep striving, keeping pushing herself to be better.

..

Finn pairs Kitty and Ryder together for a duet one week in Glee Club, and the next day Ryder corners her by her locker before classes.

_Listen, I'll admit I wasn't thrilled about this at first, but I hope we can put our differences aside for the song. I think we could be pretty awesome together if we practice_, he voices assertively.

Kitty ignores the flip-flop in her stomach at the way his eyes look when they're full of determination and rolls her hazel eyes. _Not gonna happen, football boy, because we're not doing the song together_.

He wrinkles his eyebrows. _What do you mean?_

_You're supposed to be with Marley_, she explains. _I'm going to make sure the partners get switched around. _

_My singing a duet with Marley isn't going to make Jake come back to you_, Ryder tells her harshly, and she fists her skirt into her hand at how well he's understood her, how much he's perceived.

But Kitty can't let on that he's figured out her plan, so she pretends like he said nothing. _I'm going to refuse to sing with you, and there's nothing you can do about it. So get with the program_.

She closes her locker and pivots away from him to begin sauntering down the hallway, her daily strut of confidence and poise and making all the boys want her and all the girls cry. But she's stopped unexpectedly in her path when Ryder catches up to her and grabs her shoulder, whirling her around to face him.

_What if I don't want to? _he asks her in a low voice, his expression resolute.

_Don't want to what?_ she plays dumb. It's much safer that way, you know.

_Don't want to get with your program_, Ryder answers. _You don't get to be the one to decide how everything goes._

And now Kitty's angry with him. No one's ever stood up to her like this, tried to stop her from getting her way. And on top of that, he's messing up the Grand Plan, the one where it's Jake and Kitty and Ryder and Marley in the end, and _not_ the two names in the middle, and he's just supposed to be a pawn she can easily use and throw away once Marley has lost and Kitty is next to Jake again, Jake who makes her look good in comparison. _Yes, I do!_ she wants to stomp her foot in irritation. _Maybe you don't know this yet, so I'll lay it out for you. I'm Kitty Wilde, and I get what I want_.

And his eyes suddenly light up like they're _burning_, oh, they're _aflame_ and they're burning through Kitty's pretenses and assertions and lies and fears. _No_, he retorts. _No, you're Kitty Wilde, and you are lost and scared and alone_.

Then he's gone and she's standing all by herself in the middle of the hallway, wondering how and when exactly Ryder Lynn peered into her soul and saw into her heart.

..

Kitty and Marley are shouting at each other in the music room, interrupting each other, faces flushed, emotions high.

The rest of the glee club runs in at the last minute, and it all ends with Marley sinking down into a heap on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, and Kitty staring down at her stoically, knowing she should feel triumphant in her rival's downfall, but feeling a little forlorn and unsteady instead.

Everyone in New Directions rushes to take Marley's side – Jake and Brittany and Blaine run to the crying girl, comforting her, and Tina yells at Kitty, berating her for her heartlessness.

Kitty narrows her eyes at all of them but doesn't say anything. She turns and begins to exit the room, breaking into a run before she reaches the door. She has to get out of there, away from the judging faces, the hateful looks.

She's leaning against the wall near a stairwell, fingers clenched, blinking furiously to keep from crying, when Ryder finds her. He's left the music room to look for her, the only one able to tear himself away from the tears of Marley the fucking martyr, Kitty thinks derisively.

_Why do you do this to yourself, Kitty?_ he asks.

She doesn't understand. _You mean to Marley? _she corrects.

_No, to yourself_, he counters. _Why do you push everyone away?_

That determined look is back in Ryder's eyes again, and as Kitty takes it in she knows it affects in her ways far more problematic than just the flip in her stomach when he stares at her like that. _Because I can't let them see me vulnerable_, she whispers, and it's probably the first honest thing she's said in years. _I can't let them see any weaknesses_. Oh, she'll regret this honesty later, she's already regretting it even now, but the look he is sending her made her forget herself.

_There's nothing wrong with weakness_, Ryder tells her authoritatively, and she shakes her head at him. Silly boy. He's already perfect so he doesn't understand.

_I want to be strong, I want to be safe, I want to be whole, I want to be_, and the word _perfect_ dies on her lips as he captures her mouth with his, pressing her into the wall. His kisses are unrelenting, starving, and he takes and takes and takes from her, takes her unspoken words, takes her loneliness, takes her secrets, takes her insecurity. Her hands fist around the rough fabric of his shirt, and as his hands burn into her bare arms, she can't imagine a time when they were ever not wrapped up in each other like this. She arches up into the kiss, pouring herself into him, and she feels like she is flying.

Then the bell rings to signal the end of the period, and Ryder backs away from her, his eyes dark, his lips swollen, looking adrift and unstable, before he disappears into the crowds of students filling the previously empty hall. Kitty's left gasping for breath against the wall, her chest heaving, her lips tingling, her world crumbling.

..

Practically everyone who's anyone at McKinley is crowded into Sugar's luxurious house for a party, cups of liquor or beer in hand. The music thumps through the walls, couples gyrate onto each other, and the air is thick with danger and possibility.

Kitty is holding court over a tight circle of cheerleaders, laughing at the boys who are foolish enough to think they have a chance with them. Don't those boys know? Girls like them only want what they can't have.

Peering down into her cup only to frown at the sight of the cup's white bottom, Kitty stalks away from the Cheerios to go and get more vodka. She's almost made it to the bar when she feels herself grabbed by a hand in the dark.

_Hey!_ Kitty protests as she's pulled into the shadows in the corner of the room.

Before she knows what's happening, she's being folded into the corner, hot lips against her neck, rough hands sliding over her waist.

_Ryder_, she breathes, because she knows him, knows his touch anywhere. She doesn't know quite how it's happened but she does know that Ryder has become her liberator, her salvation. And that's _completely_ unacceptable and she still _hates_ him for being perfect, but she also dreams about his eyes at night and feels like she's a supernova whenever he's near her.

He presses his fingers into her hips hard enough to bruise, and she reaches up to run a hand through his hair, sighing with delight as he kisses her neck, her jaw, her mouth.

_You_, he growls at her between kisses, as they come up for a moment for air, _need to get out of my mind, out of my head, out of my dreams_.

She moans into his mouth as his hands traverse her body, and he goes on, _I can't stop thinking about you_.

_Then don't_, she sighs into him. _Don't stop._

_We should_, he gasps, his breath mingling with hers, hot and heavy, _We shouldn't be doing this_.

But he reclaims her mouth with his, and he's holding her like he's afraid she's going to run away from him, which of course she won't, because this _must_ be what heaven is.

..

They're the last two in the music room one afternoon after glee rehearsal, and as Kitty's about to saunter out the door, she glances back at Ryder, still sitting in his chair, staring after her like he doesn't know anything he thought he knew anymore. And then instead of leaving the room, she stays inside and shuts the door, turning around to walk back to Ryder.

She slides into his lap, wraps her arms around his neck, and tilts her head up to kiss him sweetly. It's a slow, gentle kiss, and she strokes his hair tenderly as she feels him pouring all of his pent-up frustration and confusion into it.

She finally breaks away from him. She stays in his lap, cupping his face in her hands, his arms around her.

_Kitty_, he says warningly, because they don't do this. They do heated make outs in the shadows where no one can see them, they do passionate hook ups seething with anger and purpose, they do physical gratification and nothing more. They do _not_ do this, whatever this even was. Kitty herself doesn't even know.

She swallows and looks at him shakily and then slips out of his arms, running from the room as fast as she possibly can, because he's dangerous, that was dangerous, so run away Kitty, run Kitty run, before it's too late.

..

He comes to her over and over, his eyes full of light, his words full of hope. She steels herself against the overwhelming urge she feels to give up her charade and to feel safe and strong and whole in the warmth of his embrace. And she uses him, takes everything from him, and then sends him away, his eyes empty and his words unheard.

_No_, she tells him when he takes a break from pressing kisses like prayers into her skin and asks her to risk everything, to trust him, to fall.

_No_, she tells him when he pleads with her in the dark.

_No_, she tells him afterward when he wraps her into his arms and looks at her with promises like stars in his eyes and begs her to stay in his bed, just this once, _Stay, Kitty, stay_.

_No_, and eventually he stops asking, and she stops having to work at pushing him away because he doesn't need to be pushed anymore, he goes away on his own.

..

Kitty saunters down the hallway in her daily strut of confidence and poise and making all the boys want her and all the girls cry. Her lips pop, her eyes dazzle, and her hair is coiled into that fabled curlicue of lies and seduction. Her biting insults are like an armor she wears against the world, and no one in all of McKinley has a tongue as sharp as hers. She is the strongest of them all.

And she doesn't falter, she _doesn't_, when she sees Ryder, his eyes burning holes though her, walking down the hall hand in hand with Marley. They make a splendid image, don't they? The hero, the knight in shining armor, the wholesome good boy who everyone instantly loves. The stunning brunette, the sweet girl next door who's just as good, just as kind, just as adored, looking up at him with stars in her eyes. They're the golden girl and the golden boy, and Kitty's dull and lackluster in comparison.

So she pastes on her devious smirk, the one she uses to make the boys fall for her like rows of tin soldiers, to intimidate lesser beings into obedience, to remind herself that she's _strong_ and untouchable. She is, she is.

At night, she lies in bed and in the darkness she whispers to herself, _I'm perfect, I'm perfect_. She _doesn't_ think of a boy who used to kiss her like she was the center of his world, who had brought her light and hope, who once glowed in the sunlight just for her, who had peered into her soul and saw into her heart, who'd thought at first that he could refuse to play by her rules but oh, she'd shown him, hadn't she, she'd set him straight.

She blinks away her tears, _I'm perfect, I'm perfect_, and maybe she isn't yet but she will be, she will be.

,,

**A/N:** This is the result of me not being able to deal with the lack of their scenes together on _Glee_ (what's up with that?!) and with the serious shortage of Kitty/Ryder fics.

Thank you for reading, and if you take the time to favorite it, please also take a second to leave a review! I would love to hear from any other fans of this pair out there, if you even exist at all.


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